Some things that make others cry doesn't make me cry. I can be quite harsh about some things. I can be very direct and that probably makes some people surprised, which is why they often look at me like I am made of stone or something.
I am self destructive. I have fought long and hard to make up a system for what I should do when those negative thoughts pop up. It happens from time to time and I am quite good at stop thinking about em. I put up a wall, that I wasn't able to put up before when I was depressed. It's very logical. Of course those feelings will get to you if you aren't able to block em! But here is the thing. When you learn how to block it, you can block other things as well. I guess people look at me as a bit different sometimes since I don't have a problem with shutting some people out of my life. I am not a mean or an evil person for acting this way. It's just self protection. And I understand that from an outsider's point of view it may look selfish, but I do what I have to do....to survive. Even though I don't classify myself as evil, I guess I'll have to count this as one of my darker sides. Because even the though the end result may be good for me, it may not be the greatest thing for someone else. Sometimes people get hurt from being shut out, which is understandable. But the worst part for me is when my other friends are being effected by it too. When they are put in a position where they feel like they need to choose sides. But we aren't in high school anymore, are we? We are grown ups and I think that a situation like this doesn't have to be blown out of porportion. Let's just agree to not hang out with each other, but still be able to be in the same room!
Here is where that cold-hearted side of me comes in again. Because hanging out in the same room as someone who you aren't friends with anymore, isn't very easy for some people. 5 years ago I would most likely have had a problem with it too, so I can relate. But nowadays I have a tendensy to become very impatient with people who make a big deal out of it. I feel like life is too short to dwell on things and be overly sensitive, just move on and make the most of it. I won't change my mind. Those people who are out of my life really ARE out of my life. And for good reasons! They brought negative energy that I had to deal with. My heart and my head got so tired of it. And I refuse to look back on my life and see one big head ache. I want to see fun, laughter and wonderful memories with people that are positive.
I'm not impossible. There are plenty of things that still makes me cry. But I don't cry when I cut someone out of my life because they just aren't worth it. If they have gone that far, so that I feel like they need to be cut out. Then I really don't care about them anymore.
So maybe I'm not cold-hearted after all.
Maybe I'm just smart enough to be a bit selfish sometimes.
Because I think we all need that.
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