Blackrain and The Black Stars UK tour!

Don't really know what to do with myself right now...
I'm at home alone. My sister is visiting her boyfriend in the north of Sweden and my parents are at work. I woke up late because me and Sofie were in school at 2 o clock in the morning, haha. We finally handed in our assignment. It was a blast walking around in school in the middle of the night. Gotta do that again sometime... veeeery SPOOKY!!
So that is done, everything else is done, my plans for London are pretty much done...
The only thing I have on my agenda today is to get some exercise.

I'm starting to accept the fact that I won't be able to go to the Foxey gig in Stockholm. Don't have any money yet so something has got to go. Just sucks that it is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I just want that night to be over so that I can forget the fact that I missed it. But right now my main focuse is London.
Can't wait to see the guys again! Swan, Max, Matt, Frank, Lou, Natasha, Allie and of course Charlotte who I'll be staying at the Bed & Breakfast with. We'll take the days as they come but we do have some plans to meet up before or after the gig and just hang out. Since we all come from different countries we don't get to see each other very often. Gotta take every chance we get! The guys will be playing on Monday and the rest of the time we'll enjoy everything London has to offer!

One perfect hip force at Sunset Boulevard

Few songs make me relax more than "San Fransisco (be sure to wear some flowers in your hair" by Scott Mckenzie. The first time I heard it was on a language trip I took to Malta in 2005. We danced the nights away to an upbeat version of it. It fits my mood even better now when I'm reading the book "Confessions of a groupie" by Pamela des Barres who was one of the flower power teenagers in the 60's. She describes with such wonderful details how free her life was back then, since not a lot of things were considered dangerous. People sat on the streets of Sunset Strip getting high, listening to groovy music and putting flowers in each others hair...

"Pandora's box, the ultimate rock club of the moment, was being torn down to make way for a wider road and a three-way turn signal, and WE, the patrons of the purple palace, were not going to stand for it. In fact, we sat down on Sunset Boulevard and wouldn't budge. I found something to believe in and was so proud of being on a mission to enlighten the world. I felt like I belonged, united with a thousand other kids, protesting what THEY were doing to US. At last I was surrounded by my own kind. I watched as gorgeous Hollywood boys overturned a bus, and I cheered on the offenders from my warm spot on the Sunset Boulevard blacktop. I gazed at Sonny and Cher, arms wrapped around each other, wearing matching polka-dot bell-bottoms and fake-fur vests, and realized we were all one perfect hip force with one big huge beating heart. I held hands with strangers and tried to recapture the moment before it had even passed." - Pamela des Barres

Preconceptions

"Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see."

Don't ever forget to feel pure joy

What does people regret the most when they are lying on their deathbeds? An Australian nurse named Bonnie Ware used to talk to dying patients about this subject and felt like their answers needed to be passed forward. She ended up writing a book called "The Top Five Regrets of The Dying" and that is now triggering thoughts all over the world. The number one thing that people regretted was that they hadn't followed their dreams. Instead they had been listening too much to what their friends and families thought they should and should not do. Some also said that they had lived a certain way of life just because they were expected to do so by society. The most common answer among men was that they deeply regretted working so hard. Many of them had missed out on big parts of their children's lives and hadn't spent enough time with their wives.

A lot of people were bitter because they hadn't had the courage to stand up for themselves and the result of that had been a medioker life. They had been so scared of ruining the harmonious spirit in their household that they thought that some changes would ruin it all. Because of this, they hadn't allowed themselves to be truly happy. They had forgotten that happiness is a choice, not something that is anywhere near pretending being pleased and concent.

These are the five things that they, after all of these years, finally realised. I won't be one of them. I refuse to. In one week I am going to London which is just one of the choices that I have made in my life to fulfill my dreams, to feel true passion and love for life. Money is sometimes an issue when you want to fulfill your dreams, but my advice is to focuse on some other dream while you wait! Just pick and choose from the dreambox that I know you have. One dream doesn't have to rule out the other. One part of me wants to rock my soul out to gigs and stay up all night. Just once in a while though, because the other part of me wants to stay healthy, exercise and make sure that I do good in school. Because without good grades I'll never be a kindergarten teacher. It all has to match. Don't waste your life away by becoming an alcoholic, but don't be a overachiever either. Find the balance. That beautiful harmony between work and life that these people were missing on their deathbeds. Let us learn from their mistakes.

Me and my lil sis

Don't ever forget to feel pure joy like this, even when you are an adult.

Don't make excuses for me

I tried my hardest to avoid it all day. I have been struggling on the inside to stay positive and strong. But now I can not be okay anymore. I finally let depression grab ahold of me and it's the best thing I have done all day. There's just been too many small things going wrong, whatever I've said I have been misunderstood, whatever I have done it's been useless. Nothing will ever be so bad that I will let depression drown me, because.... well, been there done that. Never again. But staying strong for longer periods of time doesn't work in the long run. Sometimes I just need to break down and let myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling. Because I need to deal with it. And to my friends; whatever it is that I am complaining about, please don't make excuses for me.

Reading her confessions

You know when you see someone making a complete idiot of him/herself on TV and you have to cover your eyes with a pillow because it's so embarassing and pathetic? That's the feeling I usually get when I see groupies at after parties. If the celebrity (in most of these cases, rock stars) don't mind that the girl is following him around, then of course it's fine. But I have seen examples of girls who are willing to do anything to get some guys attention. Sure, this isn't news but I guess I just didn't realise until recently how insecure some of these girls are. I feel bad for them when they don't realise that everyone at the party is looking at them thinking "wow, that girl has got the worst self esteem on the planet, she's beyond embarassing".
I have seriously seen a girl clinging on to a rock star for a whole night. I mean literally HANGING on top of his back like a monkey without even getting the slightest bit of attention. She finally got to have eye contact with him when he yelled "Leave me alone! Stop following me around!!!" straight into her face. He was the third rock star for the evening to reject her.

But then there are some women who have chosen this life style and who does it with such class that I can't help but to like them. One of those women are Pamela des Barres! Today I started reading her first book "I'm with the band - Confessions of a groupie" which was published in 1987 and has since then been re-published three times. I admire Pamela because even though what she did is frowned upon she doesn't regret it, because she had the time of her life! I'm not saying I'm going to become a groupie. I am saying I will do what I want in life, with the highest possible level of confidence. Pamela was always in control of what she was doing and not someone's low self esteemed puppet.

In the words of Dave Navarro 

"Men, keep a box of tissue handy when you read this book. Women, try to keep your deep feelings of jealousy and hostility at bay... you know you wish this was your story."

Oh, the things I did as a child

There's not much I can say to defend this behaviour... :P

12-06-1992